So I only have to write one more page of my paper in order to reach fifteen pages. However, I somehow still have at least two or three pages worth of information that I still want to include. This always happens! I should just start writing papers with the intention of producing fewer pages than what the professor asks for. That way I won’t continue to go over the page limit. Damn it.
I keep trying to lean my chin on my hand even though it hurts every time. I definitely think there is going to be a bruise from earlier. It’s beyond me how I managed to trip up the stairs, fall, catch myself at the last moment, and then have my 50 lb backpack force my chin to the concrete. I’m about as graceful as a drunk giraffe wearing roller-skates while blindfolded.
Gonna take an anti-anxiety pill for the first time today before I present my paper for a practice audience. I have no idea how it will effect me but I hope it works. Wish me luck!
JUST SHUT UP!
The person who lives in the room next to mine is so damn loud. Oh, guess what? Not only is he being loud and obnoxious, he has an equally vocal friend over right now. I can’t complain to an RA because it’s not quiet hours yet but I’m so annoyed. There is no possible reason for me to be able to hear every word that comes out of their mouths through the wall between our suites. This is getting ridiculous. I’ve put up with him for months and I’m getting really sick of it. He’s making it incredibly difficult for me to focus on my paper. I hope he doesn’t keep me up until three o’clock in the morning tonight. I’m not going to put up with it anymore. I swear to God that if I ever meet this kid that I am going to punch him in the face.
I went to bed at 1:30am and set my alarm. I only meant to sleep for an hour and then wake up to write some more on my art symposium paper. Guess who didn’t wake up until 7:30? Ugh.
I just made a fool out of myself in front of this really cute guy while checking out his book. I couldn’t look him in the eye and made awkward small talk. And then when he left, he said “Thank you.” and I replied “You too.” I thought he was going to say “Have a nice day.”! I shouldn’t be let out of the house.
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]Title: Ave Maria
Artist: Celtic Woman
12 plays
Celtic Woman was really awesome! They have such beautiful voices and the show was so amazing. It was like one of the best birthday presents ever! And the usher moved my sister and I closer to the stage and in the middle aisle. The seats were fantastic. This is the highlight of my month.
Fuckity fuck fuck shit bugger!
So two of the times for classes that I need in order to graduate overlap. My Anthro 4310 starts at 2:30pm and ends at 3:45pm on Tuesdays and Thursdays while my Art History 3395 goes from 3:30pm until 4:45pm on those same days. These two classes are only ever offered in the Fall semesters and only at these times. I don’t know what I’m going to do! I have to take 33 more credit hours in order to graduate by Spring 2013. While this is a perfect amount to go into two more semesters, it allows no room for scheduling conflicts. Every class has to fall into a specific slot or I won’t be able to take it. This is why more people don’t have two majors, a minor, and two certificates. Because it fucks over your life and makes it unbearable. I can’t count the times that my proficiency for overachieving has made me burst into tears or curl up into a depressed ball over the past three years. I swear to God that if I have to stay at UMSL an extra semester simply because I can’t get my schedule to cooperate, I might just give up. I don’t want to put my life on hold for another year just to get my undergraduate degree. I have way too many plans for my life to do this. I’m applying for the Fulbright next fall to go to Finland from September 2013 until May 2014. If I have to still another semester, I can kiss that opportunity goodbye. And even if the Fulbright doesn’t work out, that would still mean that I would have to put off graduate school for another year. I don’t want to do that. My personal goal is to have my PhD by the age of 29 if I decide to go that route. I promised myself that I would not still be working on my dissertation in my 30s. I just don’t want to spend over a third of my life in school.
I can’t even deal with this right now. I feel like I’m going to burst into tears. All I want is my cat, a huge bowl of ice cream, a giant hug from my mom, and an episode of Cupcake Wars to make this night better. Unfortunately, none of these things are going to happen and I’ll have to suck it up. I’ll read for my classes tomorrow, do my Biology homework, and write one insert for my annotated bibliography. Then I’ll cry myself to sleep and hope to God that this problem can be fixed. I don’t know what I’m going to do if I can’t squeeze all these classes in. I really don’t.
This is a stream of consciousness and in no way organized… kind of like my mind.
So, for the past couple of years I’ve been in a crisis of faith. I believed in a cosmic being of some sort, whether you wanted to call it God, Fate, Karma, Buddha, or some other deity. I thought there was some sort of omnipresent force at work. But I wasn’t sure if I had a personal connection with it. I didn’t pray on a regular basis, go to church, or think about it. I felt lost but at the same time I didn’t really care because I was tired of people asking me about my beliefs and having to defend them. I just wanted to have people nod and smile when I told them of my spirituality, not poke and prod for more information or try to tear it down.
Even if I believed in God, I wasn’t sure if He would directly affect my daily life. Many people say that they think He wouldn’t bother with the little things in one’s life since He has bigger issues to deal with. I thought I believed that too and even said as much to one of my roommates a couple of days ago. I couldn’t understand why people prayed for God to interfere in their lives because I was sure that He had more pressing matters at hand.
However, I started thinking about it and came to my own conclusion. If God can create the Universe, the stars, the planets, every creature, every plant, and every grain of sand, why wouldn’t He be able to be everywhere at once? If He truly is all-powerful and all-knowing then I don’t see why it is so hard for people to believe. I don’t understand why it was so difficult for me to believe.
I’ve been staying up extremely late, trying to balance work, school, my Fulbright application, family, friends, and money problems. Sometimes I end up curling into a ball think to myself “Okay, just lie here for a minute. Don’t go to sleep. Just relax for a second and then go back to work.” Inevitably I almost always end up falling asleep in some weird position and waking up around five o’clock in the morning. At that point, I get up and put my things away, brush my teeth, go relieve myself and crawl back in bed. It’s an awful habit but one I seem determined to continue. Anyway, I did this again last night and I seemed fine this morning. I got up, ate my banana, and sat down on the bed to think about something. I promptly fell asleep. This wouldn’t be such a big deal except I had a meeting with my Fulbright adviser this morning. I woke up 30 minutes into the appointment. I couldn’t believe it. I felt so irresponsible and stupid. But I quickly grabbed my laptop, intent upon emailing the professor and apologizing for missing our meeting. However, when I opened up my email, I saw one from her that she wrote half an hour before our scheduled meeting stating that she had to reschedule. I was overjoyed. This may not seem like much but it made me feel like someone was looking out for me. And this is something that has been missing from my life for quite some time. It also made me realize how little I’ve spent on the spiritual side of my life. Maybe that’s why I’ve felt so empty lately.
I’ve always wanted a personal relationship with God. A relationship where I know that I am always loved and never judged because He will forgive all of my sins if I just ask. One where He answers my prayers, not just in the way that I want Him to but in a way that directs me to do what He wants me to. In other words, it would be nice if God were to grant my requests and let me have my way but I would rather He push me in the direction that He knows is best for me, not just what I want.
I want to be a good Christian and a good person. Sometimes it’s really difficult for me to curb my tongue. I end up saying sarcastic or unthoughtful things simply because I seem to lack a filter. But I’m going to try to live my life the way that God wants me to. I will endeavor to obey His teachings and use the Bible more. Others have tried to convince me that the Bible is not true. I believe it to be divinely inspired and mostly true. However, even though it comes from a divine source, the actual writers were human beings and therefore made mistakes and inserted their own opinions. For example, I don’t believe that homosexuality is wrong. I just don’t. And I don’t think that God condemns people for falling in love. I don’t think he cares if a couple is made up of a man and a woman, a man and a man, or a woman and a woman, as long as those two people treat each other with kindness and love one another.
What I’m trying to say in this long drawn out way is that I think I’ve regained my lost faith. Sure, I’ll probably go through periods of my life where I question God’s decisions and His very existence, but I think I will be able to weather the storms ahead with His help and love.